Do it anyways...

Goodbyes...

"Goodbye." What a word, what a concept... I have had my fair share of goodbyes in my life time. Goodbyes come when people leave. Sometimes it's for a day, a month, a year, multiple years and sometimes it's for a lifetime. I don't know which length of goodbye I find the hardest.

The day goodbyes are normally fine because you know you will see the person again and rather soon. A month away from someone is normally ok as well. You spend the first part of the time missing that person, but then the second half of the time is spent excited that the person is coming back. A year is so hard because so many things happen in one year. So many things that you wish you could share with that person. There is still the reassurance however that when you say goodbye you will see them again. The same goes with multiple years. Those years may be hard but you can still hold onto the fact that you will see them again. Lifetime goodbyes are normally had when a person dies or moves halfway across the world or something. Those ones I think are the saddest; they are the ones that keep you crying for days. I have had way to much experience with the lifetime goodbyes, and I know there will always be more.

I think one of the things that makes goodbyes the hardest is unfinished business. Maybe you never got to or forgot to tell the person something while they were around. Maybe you doubt if that person really knew how much you loved them and loved having them in your life. Maybe a part of you really doubts if you will see that person ever again. With me I think that as long as that person that I am saying goodbye to can tell me that they have no doubts about the fact that I love them and while they were in my life that I was good to them, then I'm ok with the finality of the word goodbye. It doesn't mean it won't hurt and that I won't cry, it just means that eventually I'll be ok with it.

Here is a little photo journey (with the descriptions of the pictures at the end of the last picture) of some of the people I have had to say goodbye to over the past year: (There are quite a few other photos that belong here, of the people I have said goodbye to and miss dearly but I still have to upload them onto the computer)

Picture 1: Zjholt and I -> He is an autistic boy I met while in Romania last year. He had the most profound impact on my heart while I was there and he couldn't even speak. I have been thinking about him a lot lately as another team gets ready to go back to Romania in a week.

Picture 2: Lory -> She is my favourite reason for attending Tyndale University last year if I had to pick one. Becoming friends with her was one of the greatest blessings of my year. I only see her every couple months now but I love our random adventures together so much.

Picture 3: Emily -> She by far is one of the biggest reasons leaving Muskoka Woods is so hard everytime I am there. I hate not getting to see Emily everyday. She is so smart, and loving, and genuine and beautiful and the list could go on and on. I hate the goodbye with Emily days, but the hello days always make up for them.

Picture 4: Jay -> He is my latest goodbye experience. After years of living in Ontario, he is moving home to Manitoba. He started his drive on Friday. The last time he made that drive I was with him, experiencing my first and only trip to Manitoba. Over the last 4 years I have had many adventures with this boy. Road trips, sports trips, walks to the lagoons, "meetings" with "pens". The most important part of our adventures has always been the conversations and the time spent together. He started as a friend and has ended up feeling like family. A brother who I love no matter what, but sometimes just ticks me right off. This goodbye is still fresh, and so is the sadness that's comes with him being gone.

Picture 5: Andreas -> How I love this boy. He became my unofficial husband at camp (Muskoka Woods) about 4 summers ago, because we basically fight and love each other still like we are married. This past year he has been in school in Nova Scotia so I have seen him on his visits home, but I have had to become accustomed to saying goodbye to him as well. I always miss him when he leaves.

Picture 6: Chris -> I've known Chris for close to 3 years now. We met in Calgary and went to Thailand on the same missions trip through YWAM. That was 6 months of seeing each other almost everyday. He lives in Regina, SK and I live in Ontario so there was going to have to be a goodbye day eventually. After YWAM was over I went to visit him and he came in December to visit me here, so that is 3 big goodbyes. 3 goodbyes of I will probably see you again but there is always the chance that I won't. I hate goodbyes with Chris. I cried a lot after he left Toronto. (He doesn't know that but will now if he reads this) Chris is a rare kind of friend to me. He is encouraging, and kind, and calls me on things others wouldn't. He brings out the best in me and encourages me to be better. He lets me talk, or maybe it's just that I actually feel comfortable talking to him and sharing my heart, which is a rare occurrence in my life. Whatever the case I love the hello days with this boy, and the goodbye days not so much. At least there is long distance phone calls and msn.

The beauty of mountains...

I have been missing the mountains a lot today

^ I also miss these girls a lot as well. (Thanks for the pictures Steph!)

Feeling uneasy...

I have found it so hard to write lately ... perhaps like my wise Emily Duffield once stated, I just needed to wait until inspiration came. I'm not sure if inspiration has come or not or maybe I just feel like typing but whatever it is I am writing a new blog.

Lately I have been feeling uneasy. I have also been feeling frustrated, tired, sick, bored, lonely, happy, excited, and unsettled. So yeah I think uneasy is the best feeling to describe me right now.

I used to be such a homebody, content to stay here in Ontario. In grade 11 I took my first big trip by myself, I went to England to see my favourite British friend Liz. Since then I have traveled to 5 provinces and 2 different continents by myself, and now I can't stay still. God has put travel and missions on my heart so much that it is so incredibly hard when I am not doing it. I know that training, preparing and growing is such a huge part of it, but I sometimes forget to do all that learning and strengthening and growing and everything at home. I guess sometimes that uneasy feeling can have its benefits because I know I am more likely to take that step out in faith and follow through on whatever journey I feel God is leading me on.

I am in the process of finding an internship for my school right now. The feeling of uneasiness comes there as well. I want to be challenged and learn and grow so much from this internship, but I need to find one first. There are a couple options that I am looking into right now, some more realistic then others. The thing is though, I love adventures! So a big part of my heart just wants to be irresponsible and adventurous and pursue the placement that seems a little bit crazy. I'll keep you posted on how the placement searching goes.

But, now that it is almost 3am I better stop writing. So here’s to praying that I know where God wants me now and in the future and that I can feel completely confident in it all. Good night all!