The strongest desire...

The strongest desire in me right now is to pack all my stuff and my puppy in my car and head west. I want to keep driving until this feeling goes away... This feeling of unsettledness... This deep ache that someone or something or someplace is missing from my life. I am on a journey right now to figure out where this ache is coming from. It might just be coming from a place that here in Ontario, though I am surrounded by family and some good friends, I am extremely lonely. I came across this quote today that I loved about loneliness.

Henri Nouwen' writes:
"Many people deal with [aloneness] through loneliness. That means you experience your aloneness as a wound, as something that hurts you, makes you miserable... but as Christians…we are called to experience our aloneness as a gift—as God’s gift—so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God. … After all in solitude we can gradually be led to the truth that we are who God made us to be"
Henri Nouwen was a celibate man who struggled with loneliness his whole life...

Oh Lord, that you will truly use this time of loneliness/aloneness as a gift, as a time of learning truths and even more realizations of how much you love me.

A time for love, laughter and tears...

I flew home to Ontario last night after a mini vacation to Manitoba and Calgary. In Manitoba I got to see my friend Jay, and experience his basically whole new life. He has a new car, new apartment, new job, and new wardrobe. I love being friends with Jay as much now as ever. I got to hang out with his mom a whole bunch as well and had such an amazing time! I love his mom. We just sit and chat for hours and I love that I am able to be completely open and honest with her. Plus she gets crazy ideas like I do, and I got to paint their kitchen and dining room/living room area while I was there. I love Jay for not killing either of us for deciding to do it and for roping him into helping us as well. He is such a good friend! I am lucky to have him in my life :)


After I left Manitoba, I hopped on a plane and headed to Calgary. I was greeted with hugs from Kathryn and Vinj. And due to my lack of sleep they were greeted with about an hour of barely understandable, hyper, rambling on my part. I know they love it though. We went back to their house that they share with another family (Art, Corrina, and Evan) that I know. Before we knew it, our friend Chris was calling to say he was 10 minutes away. One of the reasons I chose this past weekend to go to Calgary was because I knew Chris was going to be there and I wanted to surprise him. The surprise was a success! He had no idea I was there and was shocked to see me. Yeah! I love when surprises remain surprises. My time spent with Kathryn, Vinj and Chris was mainly spent listening to them play music, which I absolutely love, talking and laughing. I haven't laughed so much in such a long time. It felt so wonderful and was much needed, for all of us I think. I love getting to witness Kathryn and Vinj's marriage. It brings such joy to my life every time I get to do it. I also loved getting to see Chris. I always cry when he leaves (yes I know I am a huge girl) but I made the decision before I went, that the tears that would inevitably follow were worth the days that I was going to get to spend in his presence. And I was right, it was worth it. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible and real friendship with him. On my last day in Calgary I got to hang out with my friend Laura and her son Garrison at IKEA. It was so nice getting to chat with her and play with her little guy. It was also so nice to get to hang out with Art and Corrina and their son Evan. I am so glad I got to go on this trip (the views from the airplane rides were amazing!) and see everyone I got to. It was definitely a wonderful blessing all around and now I am just left missing my friends.

100 Random Things That I Love…

- Long distance phone calls that last for hours
- Going into used book stores
- Watching the snow fall
- Reading a book that you don’t want to put down
- Knowing that you did a really good job at something
- Playing in the rain
- Getting mail
- Listening to someone play guitar
- The mountains
- Making someone smile
- Great hugs
- Having faith
- Surprising someone
- Sitting by a lake and hanging out with God
- Watching my puppy sleep
- Re-runs of my favourite TV show/movie
- The smell of a baby
- Quality time
- Going to the zoo
- Taking a walk in the fall
- Being artsy or pretending to be at least
- Unconditional love
- The covers of old books
- Getting personal e-mails
- Fuzzy Peaches
- Getting to tell someone that I love them
- Watching my godson and his sister do something that they love
- Singing a baby to sleep
- Sarcasm
- Holding hands
- Knowing someone else’s favourite thing and getting it for them
- Teaching Sunday school
- Hanging out with my grandma
- Daisies
- Making a new friend
- Going on an airplane
- Seeing someone I haven’t seen in a long time
- Really good music
- Witnessing a couple who really love each other
- Knowing that God has everything planned out for me
- Laughing really hard
- Cribbage
- Stuffed animals
- Taking baths
- Discovering unique things in stores
- Having an amazing best friend
- Learning something new
- Cuddling
- Photographs
- Sleeping in
- Taking steps of faith
- Great quotes, poems, and song lyrics
- Completing something
- Kisses on the forehead
- Antiques
- Soft blankets
- Ice cream
- Being really passionate about something
- Comfort
- Sleepovers
- Swimming
- Fruit
- Memories
- Boys who have shaven faces
- Having a ton of pets
- Volunteering
- Encouraging others
- Star gazing
- Coconut lime body spray
- Experiencing different cultures
- The feeling you get at the top of a ski/snowboard hill right before you start going down
- Birch bark trees
- The way God knows exactly what I need
- A great conversation
- Sea Monkeys
- Feeling inspired
- Picnics
- Quiet evenings, spent at home, with a friend
- Board games
- Missions trips
- Hearing about the way God is working in a person’s life
- Camping
- Butterflies
- Fireplaces
- Colouring
- Feeling alive
- Scrap booking
- Worship services
- Milk and cookies
- The feeling of wind
- Bare feet
- Driving
- Getting to know someone, the real them
- Sunrises and sunsets
- Being able to trust a person
- Swings in parks
- Flowers growing in the spring
- Children’s books
- Running
- Being able to love this many things

Better to light a candle than curse the darkness...

Those are the words on the side of the 30ft motorhome that Light Patrol takes into the city on most of their outreach nights ... "Better to light a candle than curse the darkness" ... Tonight we had a meeting for the volunteers of Light Patrol. The director of Light Patrol finished off the evening by talking about this phrase and what it means having it there and how it can affect all of us who go out to the streets to "be a light". I have been thinking about this phrase ever since... These past three months as I have gone out hoping to BE a light, I have FOUND a light in the darkness as well. Maybe it's just that I can be an ever hopeful optimist, but in the darkness I can see God, the ultimate light, working. Maybe it's just that I can not deny the fact that there is this amazing creator who loves my friends on the streets, who wants to provide them with a life filled with light, out of the darkness. Whatever it is, I can not deny the light I found on the street this summer.



God knew that I was going to be going through a time of change this summer, a lonely time, and he took care of it for me. He brought me to a wonderful group of staff and volunteers that I got to work along side with. They brought so much light to my life everyday. God also brought all of my new friends on the street into my life. He ordained every good, meaningful conversation I had, and even just the "What can I get for you tonight?" conversations. He was there. The light was there. I got to learn all over again what it means to try and live a servant life, simply because Christ did it. I got to learn to love complete strangers for no reason except for the fact that God wanted me to. You see as much as I wanted to be a light in the darkness this summer, God gets to take all the credit for that light. As much as a person, like me, goes into things like this outreach opportunity hoping to help bring a change to someone else’s life, I think the greatest change happens in ouselves. My official placement ends on Tuesday (but I'll be sticking around Light Patrol and helping as much as I can) and as that placement ends, the light that I had hoped to reflect to others has changed me in ways I am only starting to realize, because God is always there and He is good!